Thoughts of Hairman Howard

This week's column is called 'thoughts of Hairman Howard' as I have just returned from the China International Beauty and Hair Exhibition in Beijing where I was regarded as a giant among men.

Not in the Mao sense of the word, however, but as a six foot three, hire suite madman wearing shorts and trainers while all around were small, bodily bald people huddled in woolies despite 70 degrees of sunshine.

Outside the cosmopolitan confines of the Presidential Plaza Hotel where I was staying, people actually laughed and pointed at me as I wandered round the Forbidden City.

And at the show - attended by only a handful of Europeans - I was persuaded onto every stand as a kind of animated exhibit.

This strange distinction led to some interesting 'health' treatments, though, including a kind of purification with blazing towels and cling film, followed by smouldering bamboo that sent me into a deep sleep for 12 hours.

Amazingly, the only hair companies represented at the show were Toni and Guy and Sassoons. Having trained at Sassoons, I introduced myself to the woman in charge and to my astonishment she turned out to be the manager who had given me my first job with Vidal all those years age. She now heads Sassoon's Shanghai academy.

Not many people realise the Chinese invented hair ironing - because their hair is so dense and they wanted it smoother and sleeker. Under a microscope, if our hair looks like willow, Chinese hair resembles oak stumps.

Truanting from the show, I explored the poorer parts of Beijing and tried to avoid needing a loo. But even in smarted areas, public conveniences are dire: open pits with no cubicles, seats or paper.

In some neighbourhoods, hordes of people emerge onto the streets in their nightclothes early in the morning en route to the nearest stared toilet block.

Very little English is spoken or understood outside - or even inside - the main tourist environs and I came across some funny spellings and turns of phrase. 'Mind the Step' becomes ‘Don't Fall Down’ and menus bear the plea 'Please give us your understanding'.

CDs cost around 60p and I bought a Beatles one that included ‘Eleanour Rugby’ and ‘With Love Fram Me To You’.

I'm not a fan of Chinese food, even our sanitised take-aways, and I kept seeing adverts for ‘hairy crabs’ which sent me scurrying for pizzas and McDonalds even faster. I once remember a friend on a business trip to Beijing being taken to a restaurant where he was offered black toad...

Although I thoroughly enjoyed the trip, I'm not sure customers of Hair and Beauty World Drive In will notice a great oriental influence descending on the salon as a result of it.

For example, the style of hissing “Do winkles?” at foreign seniors is probably not the best approach. But I might consider borrowing the Chinese greeting 'enjoy your holiday at the salon!' Costa Mytholmroyd, here we come.